Dear Diary #2

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Dear Diary, 

I don't think I'm feeling quite right these couple of days. My mind is at war again, as it almost usually is. These thoughts are getting worse but I don't know how to help myself. I remind myself not to think about it but deep down I know I can't help it. 

My thoughts are shot out like cannons. Where in the mind of a normal person, these thoughts get filtered and usual bad thoughts are able to be dropped, in mine it seems as if they can't. Like a constant mental buzz of anxiety and worry.

I don't know how it works. Simply speaking, when I have these 'bad' thoughts, thought-action-fusion kicks in. I have just read articles about it and it works in real life the way it is written too. In my head,    my mind is distorted in a way that I think just because I have a 'bad' thought, then it is going to be accompanied with real life actions. 

 "For some, this fusion is so strong that they believe that their thoughts actually cause actions to occur." 

And with this comes complete irrational fear. 

I'm fully aware that the way I think is irrational but I just can't help but feel so burdened by the constant worrying of what if it actually was going to happen. I've retyped and deleted this following sentence so many times, diary dearest. I can't seem to find words to explain how it feels like. 

A simple example of how irrational my thoughts are the fact that I like to avoid having ice in my drinks at home because I'm afraid of water contamination. There's probably a 1 in a 100 chance that an ice cube is but yet, I still can't stop worrying that it would happen. 

So far, my compulsions haven't been bothering me too much. They come back only when I'm really overwhelmed. Thinking about it realistically, my compulsions are not that bad at all compared to a young girl I watched a documentary on. She had to shut doors 10 times before going out and had to start gnawing on them as well. 

When I was younger, I used to have to walk in a certain pattern outside the house door before coming in. Only last year though did I realize that it wasn't right and that I should just be going into the house like a normal person does. Something that sort of stuck with me is the tic of having to touch things right in the middle and having to tap objects a certain number of times before leaving it. It was the kind of thing that I had to have 'feeling right' before going off. 

In the span of this year and last's, coping mechanisms I use to try to stop these thoughts are by punching walls and grabbing my arms and thighs till it went red. I don't do these things anymore because they hurt like anything. Now, I only bite the middle part of my thumb. I don't know why I do it all but I guess the only way I can put it is that the pain stops these thoughts. 

Thought suppression leads it to coming back worse. 

I'm so tired. So mentally tired. I don't mean to be angry, so easily upset. I don't, honestly. I'm tired.

I want people to understand that what goes on inside my head is far from the smiles and giggles I am outside. I want to be able to meet people who think this way too. I want to be able to express what I feel in words that are simple but I don't know how to. I want to be able to help myself. 

I want peace and quiet in my mind even if it was just for a day. 

I want to escape. 

I don't want to go crazy. 

But nobody understands.  

xx