-Blaise Pascal
It's funny how much the little things can matter to someone. To you.
I don't know whether you realise it but sometimes we just get so caught up in the little things in life. Whether it's a good or bad one it doesn't matter. We'd still fill our head with it.
Today, I just got a little pink envelope from my grandparents that wrote
Happy Birthday Sarah
Love, Aki & Pah
I didn't even open to see it's content yet it had already brighten up my day. You see, just getting an envelope addressed to me makes me happy. Such a little thing so you can imagine how I'd be whenever something bigger happens.
I love being happy. Honestly who doesn't. I love soaking up positive energy, smiling till my cheeks hurt and laughing till tears roll down my face. Lately for the past week or so, I haven't really been that way. I wasn't like I used to be, let's say, about a year ago. Compare me then to the me now, you'd catch the difference.
I never quite grasped how different I was until I had a smack of realisation. Things were happening, ups and downs came, threw me about and bam here I am left as a product of all those happenings. I was sad. I became more sensitive and emotional. I started crying easier than anything, even at things that weren't really that sad at all. I had headaches. I was and still am sort of sure I have a 'just right' OCD (doing tics because it feels 'right') (not too badly though). just right - a link to a page filled with info about it.
Not professionally diagnosed but from what I was feeling and what I searched, it matched. I don't mean it in a way as I have to wash my hands 10x a day or vigorously clean the house but I've always had to repeat certain things over and over and over until it felt right and I could leave it be. It was hard. For example, whenever I folded something I had to make sure it was even on all sides. Before I could close my locker in class, I'd arrange and rearrange or touch the book on top for no absolute reason. Whenever I wrote something, event though there's nothing wrong with it and the spelling is just right, I'd erase/cancel it out and rewrite it. Sometimes I'd just spend so much time writing and rewriting things that it drives me mad. I'd tap and touch things in certain ways too and if it didn't feel right, I'd do it again. People probably think it's weird and that I should just stop but you don't understand what's going in this head.
Not professionally diagnosed but from what I was feeling and what I searched, it matched. I don't mean it in a way as I have to wash my hands 10x a day or vigorously clean the house but I've always had to repeat certain things over and over and over until it felt right and I could leave it be. It was hard. For example, whenever I folded something I had to make sure it was even on all sides. Before I could close my locker in class, I'd arrange and rearrange or touch the book on top for no absolute reason. Whenever I wrote something, event though there's nothing wrong with it and the spelling is just right, I'd erase/cancel it out and rewrite it. Sometimes I'd just spend so much time writing and rewriting things that it drives me mad. I'd tap and touch things in certain ways too and if it didn't feel right, I'd do it again. People probably think it's weird and that I should just stop but you don't understand what's going in this head.
In a nutshell, I listen to these compulsions because my mind creates bad thoughts and spew fears that would affect me if I do not do them. An example I took from the book 'The Man Who Couldn't Stop' by David Adam was there was a French Mademoiselle who used to wear an apron every time she went to her aunt's house. One day, she realised that she had the ability of stealing something and hiding it in her apron so she left it home. Seems normal right? Yes, that is until she got so obsessed with having those thoughts that she could accidentally steal things until she couldn't handle her job (I don't remember what it was) and left because she was afraid that she might accidentally steal money.
I think I've always had it since I was young but never realising it. I remember having to walk in a certain pattern before entering the house and having to touch the middle of certain things such as the table before I could leave it. I've always thought it was just bad habits.
Sometimes, these things don't bother me too much and I'd just let it go but other times, especially when you're kinda hm let's just say, not too content with your current situation, you don't have anything great to hold you in place and you're sort of just lost so you go with whatever flow your brain has preceded to tell you to do.
I hate it.
I don't talk about this often and this isn't the story in full but it's nice to have let it out here. Honestly, I don't even know if this makes sense.
Anyway, on a more positive note I'm at home lounging at 10.53 AM. Didn't go to school today because apparently there's supposed to be a full day concert practice today so yeaaaaaah. Not sure if there really is one though.
Have a good day! xx
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