Good morning world and all that inhabit it.
Yes, I stole that line from spongebob. It's currently 7.39 am and I woke up itching to type up a post. So, here goes nothing.
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"I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me."
- S.E. Hinton
I think people are filled with lies. Even the most honest person in the world could be lying about something, if not to other people then to themselves. We lie to ourselves all the time, mostly when in search of comfort. To have that sense of security that everything is either going to be okay and that you're going to be alright. Well reality is, sometimes they just aren't. Things don't go your way, life picks you up like a hurricane and in a blink of an eye, your life could be just flipped upside down. Even then, we are comforted by the lies we tell ourselves, masked as hope that it will be better. Surely, it can get better, I'm not saying that it couldn't but I've seen people who have gone through so much and yet the positivity is still there, plastered across their faces.
People like these are strong; if not externally, definitely internally. If our minds had switches that ranged from negative, neutral, and positive, their's would seem to be jammed and rusty, always stuck on the positive. On the other hand, people like these too are usually ones who have hidden and collected so much negative emotions inside, holding on to the belief that it'll never get the best of them. They're a balloon waiting to pop, or a cloud waiting to rain.
They say "make the best of your misfortune" but how do I do that when the misfortune is the one controlling me. My mental health hasn't been good lately. It's always when I'm determined to let it go that it always comes back worse. It's as if it's a living monster and knows that I'm trying to come after it. I'm constantly tired, I can't think straight nor quietly without being in fear that these thoughts are going to consume me. With that, I look and find comfort in always having something to occupy my mind, like a show or listening to music. These are the things that put my messed up mind to rest.
Unfortunately so, I am then plagued with the inability to not be watching something on my phone/laptop whenever I eat or want to fall asleep. Without the ongoing words spewing into my EarPods as I sit/lay there blank, my mind is going to go into an automatic defence mode built from anxiety and fear. I know that if I dwell on these thoughts too much, they are never going to go away. Yet, what is left for me to do?
I'm giving myself a month to fix it. I don't want it to go any further, not anymore. As an 18th birthday present to myself next year, I'd like to have a clear and calm mind. No OCD, no horrible thoughts, no more living in constant irrational fear.
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Short but oh well. Quality over quantity, ay?
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