Fears

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Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.” 

- Arthur Somers Roche

I'm a fairly anxious person. I think I've always been but lately in the past two years, it has surfaced more. Ever since first having that click in my brain when I truly realized and got hit in the face with OCD, the anxiety and fear that has followed after have been getting its fair share in ruining me as well. 

Everybody has their fears. The ones we usually hear of are fears of snakes, the dark and height. Two of which I have as well; darkness and height. I'm a-okay with snakes. I've held one on my shoulders before and truthfully, they are such beautiful creatures up close. Although, definitely still dangerous. 

If I were to list my fears, I'd blabber on and on. Instead, I'll shorten it and list my main fears.

- Height.

- Elevators.

- Clowns. 

- Dolls.

- Flying. 

 - Darkness.

Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed by my fears that I break down from the anxiety inside. Today was one of those days. Seeing that I live in a condominium, having a fear of elevators really doesn't do me any good. We were coming home after a day out around an hour ago and to get from the basement to the ground floor,  we had to take a lift going up 4 floors. The lift came, we got in and suddenly, it wouldn't go up. Try to imagine how scary that would be in general, and now try imagining how terrifying it was for someone with a particular fear of it. I almost instantly panicked and thank God, the door opened slightly, although still stuck. Suddenly, I was a tiny 17 year old hulk. Using all that I could, I jammed myself in the opening, pushed the door with my back and hands, and slid out. If that door hadn't opened though, I can't imagine how freaked, and I tell you, FREAKED out I would've become. 

See, I can imagine that to some people reading this, they'd think "Um, why were you so afraid if you didn't even actually get stuck in there?". Well, let me tell you this. No matter how stupid, how little, how unreasonable someone's fear may seem to you, it is very, very real to them. The anxiety and panic that rises up in you at the very moment you realise what's happening is the worst part. You just get so afraid that you go into an automatic fight-or-flight state. 

After getting out of the elevator, I absolutely refused to go back into it even though my mum and brother wanted to still. I stood back against the wall and begged them to take the stairs. They started getting frustrated and I knew it from the tone of their voices. From that, I got even more stressed. As if being hilariously anxious and afraid isn't bad enough, feeling that other people are getting mad at you for being that way made it worse. 

It wasn't as if I was doing it all on purpose, I really wasn't. After getting back home, I went into my room and burst into tears. I was just really upset about it for some reason. I was upset because I was anxious and afraid, and I was upset because of how they treated me in that state. I'd rather everyone be silent, than hear "Sarah, be quiet." coming from my brother. I guess it could've really look like I was overreacting, but to me, even though nothing truly bad happened, I was already too worked up and stressed to think otherwise and calm down. 

I'm sorry. 

(Sigh, I just really wanted to get this out of my chest.)