Freunde

"I have learnt that to be with who I like is enough"

-Walt Whitman

I've always mentioned how socially awkward I am and how I'm never good at showing emotions. Okay, basically I just have a problem with communication with other people in general. I find making friends daunting even though I'd love to and no matter how friendly or approachable I try to make myself be, it always comes down to me giving up and being too shy to say absolutely anything. 

I miss having proper friends. I mean proper as in a small group of people that I constantly crave to talk to and have fun with. Where I can be who I really am and not worry about what to say next or how I look like, you know? I miss the free feeling of being with a close group of friends and just laugh and laugh for hours on end. I don't think I've felt that in years. No, I'm not saying I'm a friendless loner because I do have absolutely lovely close/normal friends but the thing is about them is that they're each a single set (??). By that, I mean I don't usually hang out with all of them at once in one place at one time. It's like a constant one-one situation with each friend. 

Something I'd love to have again would be a tight knit group of girls that I can just go back and run to for comfort and relief and laughter. To have people I can confide in, who'd scream and shout whenever we see each other again after school holidays end. Ones who don't mind each other being in different classes or not seeing one another every single hour of the week, because in the end we're always going to be there every other time anyone in the group needs them. 

I always told myself that I'm going to try harder and that I am going to go up to a random stranger and make friends, but in the end who am I kidding. It's a constant cycle I'm finding hard to break. One that starts with optimism and ends with disappointment. I think my problems with making friends and being attached to them is coming from past experiences in high school. Long story short, I realize that if someone isn't treating you right, just drop your shit and leave because why stay and mess up your life and your mind up even more? 

I think I've lost a lot from trying to hold onto this one person. I lost friends that actually did care about me, that missed me whenever I decided to not hang out with them anymore, the ones that talked and remember how I would do a certain thing this way whenever we all were together. Ones that actually did stand by me through everything. I became accustomed to not being around them and glancing over once and without a smile or anything, just continued on doing whatever I was. Sometimes, I still wonder why I did what I did. What was it that this person said to me to make me leave the friends I loved and loved me behind when in reality I knew that this person had done me wrong times before. Fake friends who cry and try to win hearts of your other friends in order to make you look like the bad guy is a definite no bueno. Remember everyone, if he/she a faker, forsake 'er. 

All in all, the only major thing I'm looking to really getting out of being in college (other than acing my A-Levels) are to find some amazing friends that I'd remember forever even though college only lasted for less than a year. Maybe some day soon with a little bit more effort, I'd get what I want. Optimism is key to a good life. 

xx