Unenjoyable

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"Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire."

- William Butler Yeats

I'm starting this post by saying how much this quote resonates with me. 

Overtime, I've realised that I don't want to be doing all these things for the sake of it. That I don't want to continuously pour over books that display things I can barely wrap my head around. And that I don't want to do things I don't enjoy and pretend that everything is all okay. I think the bad grades I get reflect how I feel inside. Since starting college, my grades have just been consistently the worst I've gotten in my school life. It's depressing and obviously, disappointing. And I think that all in all the whole of it is really getting to me. 

Lately, I've been feeling more and more useless because there's this dreaded feeling hanging above me that no matter how hard I try doing my best in my subjects, it will just never be enough. I know that people say that grades don't matter but as a student and a child, you do at the very least want to make your parents proud, because if it was just me, I don't think I would've cared as much. I just feel so far from the goal I first set after graduating high school. 

I want the things I learn to touch me in the way that would motivate me to do more things, to be curious and to discover. Honestly so far, sighs and blank faces are the most you can get from me. I don't enjoy being in my classes anymore and all the meaningful information I learn just goes into one ear and out another. My classes make me feel distressed and upset, which is the complete opposite of what I think I'm supposed to feel. I know that there are obviously going to be stress-days but when you go through it all the time, it's not the greatest feeling. 

To me, a dream or ideal scenario after graduating, would star me learning things that I would be passionate about. I'd be taking language classes and meeting new people from different cultures and countries and making connections with my newly learnt languages. I'd be at home or in random cafes drawing and 'creating' to my hearts content. I'd be friends with other artists and creative minds and I'd be selling prints and seeing my art on the walls of peoples' homes. I'd not be feeling like I can't make it, like I'm a lost child thrown into the jaws of a huge city, with nothing more but myself and the clothes on my body. 

I know I probably sound like a little ungrateful but it is what it is. I'm lost and afraid. I don't know where I'm going to go once I graduate and I don't know what I'm going to do. The sense of childhood security of always being under your parents' wings for the 18 years I've been gratefully living is slowly going to be teared apart once I leave home and step out to start my own journey as my own person. I know that I have to learn to be independent but I don't want to let go of the people, the places and the comfort I know all to well.